Unsure in the Pants

Dear Illegal Counsel,

Is there such a thing as an ugly vagina? I’m a bit paranoid about my elongated, asymmetrical, discolored labia (especially on the right side- the left side isn’t as long). I’m Caucasian, but my skin in that area is a dark brown…. I just hate the way it looks I shy away from receiving oral sex because of my paranoia.

I’ve done my research, and I know it’s normal, and in some cultures it’s even admired, however in our own culture with designer-vagina-porn everywhere you look, I don’t feel that this is the case.  Illegal Counsel, what do you think? Would this be a deal breaker for most men? Would you continue to date a girl if you didn’t find her vaginal area sexy?

Unsure in the Pants

Dear Unsure-In-The-Pants,

When I was a kid, my brother purchased a giant inner tube and got all of his buddies together to go sliding.   Every time I tried to hop on for a ride, my brother would say, “Wait your turn homo!”

So, I sat and watched as kid after kid rode the inner tube of death into a horrific sea of injured coccyxes, concussions, friction burns and even ruptured spleens.  (Never thought I would pluralize the coccyx)

When every kid finally tapped out, my brother eventually let me ride the inner tube.  Did I care about the head trauma I was going to endure… HELL NO!

Unsure-In-The-Pants, you are the inner tube of death and any man who gets to ride you is just happy to have the opportunity.  Even in the face of certain trauma.

Have you ever seen a cock up close?  It’s veinier than Sylvester Stallone’s forearms and it looks like it should belong to a basset hound.

We don’t care what your lady bits look like or weather you arsehole is bleached or not.    Men today are just cavemen with mortgages.  Our goals are simple.  We just want you naked. 

Plus, ask any heterosexual male and he will tell you that the ugliest vagina in the world makes the nicest cock in the world look like Ron Howard’s brother.  

Here’s my advice.   If you allow a man to get up close and personal with your sideways bacon smile… He’s just happy to be there, so stop being self-conscious and enjoy it!

All that we ask is that you please wipe your ass from front to back.   

Hope this helps.  

Jetson Stamina

Dearest Meat Curtains,

As a fellow card carrying vagina club member and as massive proponent of surgery of the plastic variety I have an entirely different opinion ‘bout your plight than that guy up there who is just happy to have a safe harbor for his vein dinghy.

There is a very good reason everyone laughs when someone uses the term ‘bumping uglies’.

Because that shit is fucking true.

But as a woman I totally understand the desire to have your junk look textbook.

I mean you can’t expect to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear but if you think you are in a bad way down there then chances are you are coming correct.

This letter caused me to do an enormous amount of online research into the ‘what makes for a pretty vagina’ department and I will be the first to admit that what I originally thought was the ideal was in fact entirely not the case.

I was always under the impression that the tiny ‘front bum’ variety of vagina in which upon closer inspection you see no hint of labia unless you go spelunking was the luxury vehicle according to the men folk.

 I stand corrected.

Apparently the ideal standard is extreme symmetry with just a dash of labia peeking out.  All other qualities and characteristic, as far as my investigation went, are purely dependent on the taste of the individual.

If your insecurities regarding the appearance of your lady bits are truly causing you duress and god forbid messing with your sex life I suggest you do something about this situation post haste.

Plastic surgery of the female junk is actually the most common and sought after plastic surgery there is.

True story.

Yes it is your vagina and I am sure the entire peanut gallery would have something to say about you having that shit reconstructed but come on, if you had a piece of cauliflower growing off the side of your face you would end game that shit without a second thought.

Within my vagina case study I made the horrific mistake of google imaging ‘vaginal reconstructive surgery before and after’.

This is what I can’t unsee and I am not going this trip alone. 

If your labia is trying to hitch a ride to the nearest bus station so it can escape your ass than yes you can fire it ala Trump but with a knife. 

If your vagina has lost it’s mind and has decided to do whatever exactly is going on here than clearly you are going to need two knives.  I would dial up Raphael of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fame and get him to pop out of a storm drain near you house with his twin sai.  He would never judge you because first of all ninja’s are a classy set and further he is a mutant.  Nuff said.

Honestly I’ve got nothing.

I think this may have been what killed Steve Irwin.

I hope this helps,

xxoo

Raeleigh Jane