Unattached Roommate

Dear Illegal Counsel,

I was wondering if you have any advice for living with a roommate of the opposite sex. I’m a girl and will soon be living with a guy. A lot of people are telling me they think we’ll hook up, etc. but I think that would be really weird. I want to insure that we keep our roommate relationship totally platonic and happy, so what’s the easiest way to tell him that I’m not interested in being anything but roommates and friends?

Unattached Roommate

Dear Room Minus the Mate,

I fuckin’ got this.

The best way to deal with breaking the sweaty lusty gaze of your male roommate is to treat him like your married and looking for an out.

Feeling constipated?

Talk that shit out.

Nothing screams platonic like your detailed description of the shit you took the night before.

You actually had to brace yourself against the toilet seat?

Fucking awesome.

Giving homeboy a play by play of your daily bodily functions is sure to send yourself rocketing swiftly into his bro category.

Refer to your own mouth as a false vagina when he is eating.

Borrow his computer and spend a couple hours googling shit like ‘how long should my herpes outbreak last’, ‘Vaginal Prolapse’ and ‘Causes of Anal Leakage’.

Don’t clear the history.

Fart with unbridled abandon.

Bust and epic air loaf while making coffee in the morning and then give him a sly wink and tell him you took gold last year in The Quief Olympics.

Umadbro?

Nope just really fucking turned off.

A couple weeks of letting it all hang right the fuck out is sure to turn his outie into an innie, at least as it pertains to you.

That or you may end up with a gay on your hands and it is a well known fact that every girl’s wet dream is to live with her gay best friend.

Either way you win.

You win and you didn’t even need to put out.

xxoo

Raeleigh Jane

 

Dear Unattached Roommate,

Raeleigh is on the right track here, you want to friendzone this muthafuckah.  With that said, you may have to take it a step further and that is Jetson Staminas specialty.   Please only refer to my advice if you need to take the platonicary to Defcon 1. 

10 Ways to prevent yourself from becoming Boner Food for your roomate.  

1 – Shit with the door open and don’t flush.  

2- Tie your used tampons together like nunchucks and hang them over the curtain rods in the bathroom.  Then leave a note saying “Sorry, I will take these down as soon as they air out. Trying to save money. Thx U.R.”

3- Talk about how much you loathe oral sex… both giving and receiving. 

4-DVR 100 Huntleigh Street and play it at dinner time.  When he tries to make conversation, face-palm him while staring at the TV and nodding in agreement.  Bonus points if you can manage to tear up. 

5-Your ex-boyfriend was a linebacker with a horse cock that ruined you for life.   Use this in casual conversation.  Example “Oh I love!  My ex boyfriend ruined my vagina and I hate sex now.”. Make him feel like he won’t measure up. 

6- Talk in a baby voice at random. 

7- Clip your toe nails and leave them on the coffee table.  

8 – Tell him that your post-sex guilt sometimes leads you to press statutory rape charges. 

9 – Crawl underneath his bed and cut a 4 inch slit in the fabric of his box spring.  Then slide an 8lbs salmon inside.    This will not help your situation one bit but it’s an amazing practical joke.  

10 – Tell him you aren’t interested.  Men usually respond to this.  

Truth is, if you are attracted to him and the feeling is mutual… You’re fucked.

Hope this helps?

Jetson Stamina