NOT Every Man’s Dream

Dear Illegal Counsel,

I’m 26, bi, female, and my idea of a successful long-term relationship lands somewhere between monogamish—awesome word!—and completely nonmonogamous. Basically, I want a primary partner but I enjoy me some women, and a threesome sounds like a great birthday present. I’ve tried telling potential partners about my kinks on the first date. At first, they’re all into it—I’m every dude’s dream, right?—but eventually the men all change their minds about wanting that type of relationship. What am I doing wrong?

Apparently NOT Every Man’s Dream

 

Dear N.E.M.D,

Better to eat a fur burger than be a turd burglar, I always say.  

That’s not true.  I don’t always say that.   In fact, I have no idea what someone who burgles turds has to do with the advice I’m about to give.

NEMD, you are an emotional monogamist and a physical polyamorist.   You want to share your true self with one special person but you’ve got a clitty boner for the ladies and you don’t think you should have to choose.   

I agree. 

I say fill your Cooche. 

Motorboat your way to a happy life.

As long as you’re honest with your boyfriend about your needs… 

…Get your hand up there like she’s your favorite Muppet. 

Here’s the issue… 

You need to find a man who can compartmentalize love and lust the way you can.  

Not to worry.  He’s out there and he’s likely stuck in a monogamous relationship because society has told him that there is only one way to be in love.  But, he is out there.  

There is one other likely scenario.  The men you are dating may be ok with your love of women but not with the technique you employ to love said ladies.   In order for us to provide further invaluable advice, RJ and I will require several hours of carnal footage to review your technique in order to provide a more accurate solution to your problem.  This is a process we call the Jergens Lotion Method.  

Hope this helps. 

Jetson Stamina

 

Dear Awesome Pants,

Welcome to Terra Nova!

I am making up your fucking welcome basket as we speak.

Social norms can be a real buzzkill.

Such is life in the prehistoric jungle.

I am personally 100% of the opinion that all women – as far as their appreciation of other women – fall somewhere on the Lesbionic Spectrum.

It is like the Autism Spectrum but sexy.

The LS can range from such varying states of being from Scissor Fanatic to simply appreciating a nice set of tits.

You are clearly on the high end of the spectrum.

Here is the deal with men.

You might want to put on your seat belt.

Men talk a good game amidst themselves as far as their carnal interests, that is, until it actually comes down to game day.

That is while the majority of men would have their guy friends believe that a threesome is something totally on their radar, in truth, that sort of comfort level with evolved sexuality exists pretty equally between the sexes.

When it really comes down to it the chances of him standing in the kitchen in a skirt with his hands on his hips, giving you the classic ‘so what are you saying just me isn’t enough for you then?’ is a strong likelihood.

Trust me, this is an emotional Three Mile Island that you do not want to have to endure.

Good on you that you are having this conversation on the first date.

That is a far better forum than at a later date when the kitchen he will be throwing gravy boats at you from is a split interest.

I loved that gravy boat.

Sex is a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

And so is love.

Keep trucking, sister.

The creep to your freak is out there.

xxoo

Raeleigh Jane